Experiment

I've been thinking about blogging this for awhile but have held off. But I think it might be a way to cheer up, or at least release some non-dissertation-related stress.

I met someone, TF, in London over New Year's, and we had an amazing 2 nights together. What was supposed to be a one night stand was, for me at least, a subtly life-changing experience. We kept making excuses for staying in email contact through the end of February. I then took a plunge and asked if we could try to see each other again. This was his response:

You can't know how tempting what you suggest is. And I'm glad too that you suggested it. I did not expect to meet anyone I'd like; certainly not a person with whom I'd have anything remotely in common. I felt that we achieved a real connection. I'm old enough to know that it's rare to meet someone like that. It's good to know something of how that person feels. I have been thinking about you a lot and have also been torn between logic and other feelings - to the extent of fantasising about you and the Californian sun. I am at a stage of life though, having come through the painful breakdown of a long-term relationship, where I'm less willing to take risks and am in need of time and space on my own. This is selfish but I don't think I'd be able to cope now with another serious relationship (it would develop that way I feel - at least on my part). These sound to me like hollow cliches as I type them but they are an honest reflection of the feelings I have in my more lucid, less confused moments. I think that, in another world, or rather another context in terms of time, we might be very good together (bookshops, music, a city somewhere..). But I can't think about that too much....I have a good store of memories from then and will continue to regularly revisit them. I do miss you but I suppose the above outlines my situation. I think of you often,

Well, I still think of him often. And my life right now seems (mostly through no particular action of my own) to be heading full speed towards London. Most particularly 10 days there next month, but also possibly a job and a life there.

I don't think I can resist contacting TF again. I don't think I can walk away without trying. But I don't know how or when. I have been promising myself that I can write him when I finish my first draft. That carries the dual advantages of giving me more motivation to finish and time to mourn if he turns me down.

But a favorite mental occupation these days is drafting that email to him in my head. Somedays it is passionate and detailed; others, short and casual. Maybe I can begin to harness some of the collective intelligence out in the ether to come up with the most effective way of contacting him possible.

Just think, a live, in the moment, desperate romance, that YOU can interact with!

I'll (maybe) post draft emails as they come. Feel free to comment on them or just barge ahead and write your own...