1:20 Wednesday
Count-down time is back, and, once again, I am having a really hard time getting to work.
One thing I have learned about myself in this whole dissertation thingy is that this reluctance to get down to work is not just because I'm a lazy ass. (Though one could credibly argue that lazy-assedness is not entirely absent from my character.) I have, shudder, a "creative process" that can't be short circuited, though perhaps it can be put into fast-forward.
There are two parts of that process that manifest themselves in many hours spent surfing the web and fantasizing about a world without George Bush. The first is allowing ideas to formulate and articulate to that I can touch and taste them. The second is fighting all of the insecurity demons that are trying to get me to give up on my ideas.
Mostly in my life, insecurity is a bad thing. But I think that to a degree it is an important part of this process, though a part that is painful. Because my ideas do battle with my insecurities, and, as they say, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. My ideas have sharper elbows and stronger heads and faster feet than they would otherwise. They become the opposite of fuzzy, which, in a world of dangerous fuzzy-thinking, is a good thing.
But I also wonder what life would be like if I could turn down the strength of my insecurity a notch or two and let my ideas do battle in the real world a little more. Because I think I kill off a few (ritual sacrifice?) to appease the gods of insecurity that really deserve to live, though perhaps their puberty will be longer and more painful than some of the ideas that survive in the current regime inside my head.
One thing I have learned about myself in this whole dissertation thingy is that this reluctance to get down to work is not just because I'm a lazy ass. (Though one could credibly argue that lazy-assedness is not entirely absent from my character.) I have, shudder, a "creative process" that can't be short circuited, though perhaps it can be put into fast-forward.
There are two parts of that process that manifest themselves in many hours spent surfing the web and fantasizing about a world without George Bush. The first is allowing ideas to formulate and articulate to that I can touch and taste them. The second is fighting all of the insecurity demons that are trying to get me to give up on my ideas.
Mostly in my life, insecurity is a bad thing. But I think that to a degree it is an important part of this process, though a part that is painful. Because my ideas do battle with my insecurities, and, as they say, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. My ideas have sharper elbows and stronger heads and faster feet than they would otherwise. They become the opposite of fuzzy, which, in a world of dangerous fuzzy-thinking, is a good thing.
But I also wonder what life would be like if I could turn down the strength of my insecurity a notch or two and let my ideas do battle in the real world a little more. Because I think I kill off a few (ritual sacrifice?) to appease the gods of insecurity that really deserve to live, though perhaps their puberty will be longer and more painful than some of the ideas that survive in the current regime inside my head.
posted by Abby at 4:37 PM
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