Greetings from my windowed office

I think this is the first time I am blogging from my new office. It has windows. Otherwise, I'm not sure it has much to recommend itself to me right now. Though the existence of windows are not to be sneezed at.

I feel like I am waiting for something that never happens. I missed yoga last night because I was on hold with Comcast--fruitlessly so it turned out. That problem has been sorted out, but the boxspring is still elusive, as is the internet phone box. Then I really should be more energetic here about getting IDs, schmoozing, preparing for classes, god only knows what... But I don't feel very energetic. I actually feel pretty blue right now.

I spent a good chunk of today trying to figure out a journal to submit my job market paper to, and I once again am sent back to feeling lonely and clueless about work, rather than social life. When I read my work, I think it is good and interesting, but when I read my work with an eye to figuring out what journal would want it, what department would be interested, etc., I can't figure it out.

I have an internet date tonight and I am in a very bad mood. I guess the test will be whether this guy will cheer me up or whether he will be stuck with my grouching. Oh well.

I really hate all of this right now.

Sunday evening blues

I got a lot done this weekend, I guess. I finished painting everything except the bannister, which I can probably do outside tomorrow, now that it isn't quite so cold out.

I bought a mirror for the bathroom at the Eastern Market flea market. I am very pleased with it. It is one of those old window frames that someone has put mirrored glass into. This one is particularly nice as a bathroom mirror (other than it needing to be hung just so, so that the dividing wooden bars don't obscure your face) since it has a little sill added to the bottom, which dramatically increases the useful space around the sink.

I went to the wonderful hardware store and bought some of the things on my list, but not all. It was too much to carry, too crazy at the store, to get everything. I might go somewhere else for some of the items, too.

But then I wandered a bit aimlessly trying to check off other random items, forgetting to eat and getting tired. I am starting to feel really lonely. It has been quite a while since I had meaningful interactions with anyone. And I don't see how my social life is going to take root here.

Having to cancel the party was a blow to the ego. I'm mad at the people who never responded. And then today I called the H-Ws to invite them to tea or something, sometime maybe today, so that they could see my place. They never called back. That really hurts. Maybe I'll find out that they were never home at all today, but I doubt it. You don't stay away from the house all day with a six year old.

And I'm also hurt and confused by AI never returning my calls and only responding to emails late and briefly with no response to my follow-on attempts to engage her. I am probably blowing it out of proportion, and I don't know her usual habits of returning calls/emails, since the last time we interacted on a regular basis was in 8th grade. But still.

I don't know where my primary sources of social support are going to come from yet. I don't see some "bosom buddy" at school who will be my close ally. The bulk of the faculty are in their late middle age, and while many are very nice I am sure, it isn't the same. There are 2 younger faculty members in my department that I am aware of: one is AJ, and she is an alumn of my grad school, and the other is A?. AJ has always seemed a little cold to me. Besides, she is leaving for sabbatical in mid January. A? seems nice but very meek. Being around meek people makes me uncomfortable. I have sympathy for them, since I have been there, but really. I hate trying not to run right over them. No outcome is very satisfactory.

My one major hope is that DV will open up social doors for me at school in other departments. Not to mention that he is close with AI and may help, unwittingly, to get us over that bump. And then there are the grad school people who are still in the process of moving here: GB, SM, and JN. None of whom I am particularly close with, and no single women.

I have realized that I need to have single women friends (another reason so much rests on AI). It is so hard to balance a strong friendship with a woman in a couple, and I get so hurt (probably unreasonably so) when I get left out of couple-y social activities. And male friends are great, and important, but they can only be so supportive before sex or male emotional idiocy gets in the way. And single women understand the loneliness and awkwardness that is an inevitable part of a single 30-something woman's life. They return your phone calls. And realize how very important it is to make each other feel like there is someone out there who you can rely on to return phone calls.