Saturday 1:08

Just got a call from my sister who took my car in for an oil change this morning (she is an angel!), and apparently my brakes and muffler are about to go.

I really don't want to put any money into the thing, so I think I will use it for short-haul only until the registration expires in August (or the muffler/brakes start getting really scary, which ever happens first). Then donate it to KPCC.

Which means I have another reason to finish fast: I will be living in Los Angeles without a car after I get back from Europe. And while I have done that before, I won't have the advantage of a guilt-ridden sister to help out. The shorter I have to deal with that, the better...

Stress!!!!

4:16

(focus, focus, focus)

Experiment

I've been thinking about blogging this for awhile but have held off. But I think it might be a way to cheer up, or at least release some non-dissertation-related stress.

I met someone, TF, in London over New Year's, and we had an amazing 2 nights together. What was supposed to be a one night stand was, for me at least, a subtly life-changing experience. We kept making excuses for staying in email contact through the end of February. I then took a plunge and asked if we could try to see each other again. This was his response:

You can't know how tempting what you suggest is. And I'm glad too that you suggested it. I did not expect to meet anyone I'd like; certainly not a person with whom I'd have anything remotely in common. I felt that we achieved a real connection. I'm old enough to know that it's rare to meet someone like that. It's good to know something of how that person feels. I have been thinking about you a lot and have also been torn between logic and other feelings - to the extent of fantasising about you and the Californian sun. I am at a stage of life though, having come through the painful breakdown of a long-term relationship, where I'm less willing to take risks and am in need of time and space on my own. This is selfish but I don't think I'd be able to cope now with another serious relationship (it would develop that way I feel - at least on my part). These sound to me like hollow cliches as I type them but they are an honest reflection of the feelings I have in my more lucid, less confused moments. I think that, in another world, or rather another context in terms of time, we might be very good together (bookshops, music, a city somewhere..). But I can't think about that too much....I have a good store of memories from then and will continue to regularly revisit them. I do miss you but I suppose the above outlines my situation. I think of you often,

Well, I still think of him often. And my life right now seems (mostly through no particular action of my own) to be heading full speed towards London. Most particularly 10 days there next month, but also possibly a job and a life there.

I don't think I can resist contacting TF again. I don't think I can walk away without trying. But I don't know how or when. I have been promising myself that I can write him when I finish my first draft. That carries the dual advantages of giving me more motivation to finish and time to mourn if he turns me down.

But a favorite mental occupation these days is drafting that email to him in my head. Somedays it is passionate and detailed; others, short and casual. Maybe I can begin to harness some of the collective intelligence out in the ether to come up with the most effective way of contacting him possible.

Just think, a live, in the moment, desperate romance, that YOU can interact with!

I'll (maybe) post draft emails as they come. Feel free to comment on them or just barge ahead and write your own...

3:17

Now I'm at the SM library. Wow is it hot stuff! AM was right. Much better than my lowly local library. Now let's see if it helps improve my mood.

I did go into the office, and all it seemed to do was make me feel even more depressed, anxious and paranoid. Blech.

I am set on working on the historical section and putting the theory on hold for now. I hope that will give me a sense of progress and forward motion. Also practical in that it is folly to go too far with the theory without getting feedback from ET.

11:58

I think I've done all I want at the library. I cleaned up the opening chapter a little. I think it is all good enough to send off to the external reader.

I also think that maybe this afternoon I should spend on the history stuff and really getting a handle on that again, rather than forcing the theory chapter any further. I might also go into the office briefly to print things.

I really want to submit a paper to a conference in Denmark in September. It is on the politics of corporate governance, and it would be fun to present my expectations gap stuff. I think the title might be: "The economics and politics of the expectation gap in auditing: Evidence from the PricewaterhouseCoopers archives."

10:50

So no answer at ET's (of course). Then I made the mistake of calling my parents and ended up telling them I was frustrated with how hard it is to get in touch with him and they started spinning conspiracy theories and worst case scenarios and now I'm a nervous wreck!

Aggghck!

I'm at the library now, and realized I forgot my hardcopy draft. I'll try to get as much done without it as possible, then maybe head off to another destination.

Friday 10:00

I'm going to try to get in touch with ET now. Wish me luck...

7:53

The sun is starting to go and I don't have lights, so I think I'll be heading home now, even though I could probably go for a little while longer.

I finished the payoffs in English section. Boy, math is more succinct!

6:12

I'm here at a coffee shop recommended by VS. It is nice--I like it. They have good salads, free internet and a nice atmosphere--and, best of all, no hills.

Let's see if I get any work done!

5:21

Lessons from the day, part I:
1. My office sucks.
2. I get more work done in an hour when I'm happy than I get done all day when I am unhappy.
3. I am getting in better shape (5k used to take 33 minutes, today it took 31:30 ish).

Now I'm off for a coffee shop tour to add a part II to my day.

2:18

I'm starting to get a little ansy and am not crazy about the library noises. Maybe I'll go home now and take a break (go to the gym?)

I have been productive so far, though.

1:10

Now I'm at the library, after a nice talk with EK and lunch. Hopefully I can maintain productivity and stay connected with wireless.

11:02

Working from home is fun! I get up occasionally to dance to music. Helps me keep from getting too into my own head.

I am working on the lay version of my game theory chapter, and it is fun to write it all in really clear (I hope) English.

Thursday 9:26

I'm going to try to work as much as possible from home/the library today, see how tenable that is. It is such a beautiful day!

Since I'm at home right now (the library doesn't open until noon), I'm on dial-up. Should help hinder the procrastination urges.

5:01

SB got right back with nice feedback after I sent my committee the first 2 chapters of my dissertation. He's so great! It is too bad I am not really drawing on his expertise...

3:50

My eyes hurt from being inside this horrible office all day. I was back in the depths of frustration earlier, though I am pulling myself out a bit. I think I will go out on the patio to work for a while.

Good to have Blogger back.

12:58

Blogger hasn't been working, which makes me sad. Who knows how long it will take to get this posted.

10:32

Oh, and call the UCLA library and convince them that I don't owe $400 in late fees.

10:21

To do today:

1. Finish transferring my CD to my high-interest account (interest rates are all fucked up so they earn more liquid!)--I'm on hold right now.

2. Call ET.

3. Write outside reader.

4. Figure out how I'm getting to AM's wedding.

5. Write AR, offering my apartment while I'm in Europe.

6. Work on dissertation. Which part depends in part on ET. But definitely fill in paragraph on EITF in chapter 3 so that the first 3 chapters can go out.

Wednesday 10:12

Just got a call from CG, and I will be second author on our lovely article that has been dragging for years! Hopefully, we can actually get it published somewhere...

Wow

Ken Lay, of Enron, died today of a massive coronary. May he rest in peace.

Happy 4th

It is a happy day. I have successfully reorganized now-Chapter 3 and made the last edits to Chapter 2, so the whole introductory portion of my dissertation is now satisfactorily drafted. The arc of my argument gets clearer and clearer, too, which is very satisfying.

I also finished Paul Auster's Book of Illusions, which I liked very much. Much better than the other books of his that I have read. The ending was sad, but satisfying and skillfully crafted, which I don't think was the case with the others.

Funnily, there was a portion at the end that articulated perfectly my feelings about my time with TF, though, thank god, TF is still alive (I hope):

I had known Alma for only eight days. For five of those days we had been apart, and when I calculated how much time we had spent together during the other three, it came to a grand total of fifty-four hours. Eighteen of those hours had been lost in sleep. Another seven had been squandered in separations of one kind or another: the six hours I spent alone in the cottage, the five or ten minutes I spent with Hector, the forty-one minutes I spent watching the film. That left a mere twenty-nine hours when I was actually able to see her and touch her, to enclose myself in the circle of her presence. We made love five times. We ate six meals together. I gave her one bath. Alma had walked in and out of my life so quickly, I sometimes felt that I had only imagined her.

That accounting is a very familiar feeling, as is the sense that it was so little it must be imagined. And yet so important.

3:05

I just had a really nice lunch and time at the S. M. library, reading the first few chapters of my dissertation with comments from MS in hand. My work just isn't that bad, which is nice to know.

And the rearrangement of chapters is a stroke of genius (she says modestly).

I walked back to the office along 2nd street--I think it is my favorite bit of S.M.

Monday 11:52

So I did succeed in finishing the chapter yesterday, and moved it to the chapter 2 slot. What a relief!

I took the morning off today and am only now getting in to the office. BB is coming to visit and then to dinner at around 4 today, so it will be a light day. I plan on using the time to take stock and plan the next steps. Perhaps it is time to print out all 182 (!!!) pages and give them a read.

2:26

I'm very very close to being done with this chapter and I am having a revolutionary thought: what if I move it still earlier in the dissertation and make it Chapter 2? I don't think any of the material requires the background of the current Chapter 2, and it is helping to frame for the reader what I am really trying to achieve. Why should they have to wade through a bunch of random shit about auditing before they get to that???

I doubt it will get all the way to Chapter 1, but it is funny to think how many steps I have had to take to get this bit into its proper place. Doh!

1:59

I'm starting in on the conclusion section of this chapter!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My review of the "other side" is pretty lame. But so is the rest of this chapter. What the hell.

1:25

Getting the afternoon sleepies...it is pretty hot inside this cafe, which doesn't help. But I will persevere a little longer. The end is in sight...

12:42

A problem with this easy, short section is that I am basing it on that AEI report that raises my blood pressure. Deep breaths, girl, deep breaths...

Sunday 12:07

I'm doing a tour of coffee shops in the Venice/Santa Monica area. The first one I was at had no free internet, and $6.75 for a day of use is too much (as is the $14.95 they were offering for 3 hours of usage that could be spread out for as long as you like). My guess is that coffee shops haven't figured out optimal pricing schedules yet. I would have paid $2-3 happily and stayed there and bought lunch...

Anyway, I'm now near sister's house at the free internet shop there. Tough hills on a bike, but it is nice here.

I'm getting very close to finishing the cost-benefit of fraud chapter. Just one section that will be short and easy to write, now that I have internet access. And then, things look a lot easier if that chapter is done...

Maybe I will be a doctor this summer after all...